In the ongoing conversation about pornography, we’re often given two simple, opposing stories. On one side, there’s the sex-positive view: Exploring different types of porn, even “kinkier” content, is just “expanding your palate.” It’s a sign of healthy sexual curiosity, no different from a music lover evolving from pop to jazz.
On the other side, there’s the addiction model: This same behavior is seen as “tolerance-building,” a sign that the brain needs a bigger, more extreme “hit” to get the same effect.
But what if both of these stories miss the point?
For many men I work with, the problem isn’t that they’re “addicted,” and it doesn’t feel like “just a palate.” The problem is that they are in profound moral pain. They are watching content that, on a conscious level, they find degrading, objectifying, or simply “not me.”
This creates a painful internal war—a crisis of conscience that is often the true source of their distress.
When Your Behavior Clashes With Your Values
This internal clash is a classic case of cognitive dissonance:
- My Belief: “I am a good, kind, respectful person. I believe in equality. I love my partner.”
- My Behavior: “I am watching content that feels disrespectful, aggressive, or like a betrayal of my partner.”
When your actions and values are in direct conflict, the result is a powerful, corrosive feeling of shame.
This shame is the great mimicker of addiction. It’s what fuels the secrecy. It’s what causes the self-loathing. It’s what makes you feel “out of control,” because you think, “If I’m a ‘good’ person, why do I keep doing this ‘bad’ thing?” This shame-fueled cycle feels exactly like an addiction, even if the underlying mechanics of tolerance and withdrawal aren’t there.
The “Why”: Porn as a Clue to Your Disowned Self
This is where we have to stop judging the content and start getting curious about its function. A sex-positive approach doesn’t just mean “anything goes”; it means “let’s look at this without shame.”
Often, the content that causes us the most shame is a clue. It is a “shadow” fantasy that represents a disowned part of our authentic self. It’s an unconscious attempt to feel an emotion or state of being that our conscious mind won’t allow.
Consider The Performance of Self. Many of us, especially men, build our entire identity on a “performance” of being good, controlled, successful, and stable. But what happens to all the parts of us that aren’t that?
- The “nice guy” who is never allowed to be angry or aggressive might find himself drawn to aggressive, dominating porn.
- The high-control “achiever” who is terrified of failure might be drawn to fantasies of submission or helplessness.
- The man who feels emotionally numb might be drawn to increasingly intense scenarios simply to feel something at all.
The fantasy isn’t necessarily a literal desire. It’s a symbolic container for a feeling you’re not allowed to have in real life. The problem isn’t the fantasy itself, but the fact that it’s disowned. Because you’ve labeled this part of you “bad,” it can only be expressed in a “bad” (i.e., shaming) way.
The Path Forward: From Shame to Curiosity
This isn’t a problem to be solved with more willpower or more shame. That just adds fuel to the fire. The path to resolving this conflict isn’t to “white-knuckle” your way out of it.
The path is integration.
This work moves beyond a simple “addiction vs. palate” debate and asks two much more important questions:
- What is the function of this behavior? (Am I using it to numb, to feel, to escape, to explore?)
- What is this fantasy a clue to? (What disowned part of myself is asking for airtime?)
The goal is to bring these disowned parts of yourself into the light. When you can learn to own your aggression, your vulnerability, or your desire for control in a healthy, conscious way in your real life, you’ll find that the compulsive need to act it out through shaming fantasies often fades. You no longer need the shadow because you’ve embraced the whole.
This is the work of moving from a state of internal war to a state of internal peace—a journey of self-compassion that is at the heart of deep therapeutic work.
About the Author
Jonah Taylor, LCSW, is a psychotherapist and the founder of The Center for Mind & Relationship in Pittsburgh, PA. He specializes in helping individuals and couples navigate complex issues of intimacy, sexuality, and relational patterns. Integrating psychodynamic psychotherapy, Sex Therapy, and mindfulness, he helps clients understand the deep “why” behind their behaviors to build more authentic and connected lives.