The Exhausting Project of Being Someone
Most of the suffering people bring into therapy is tangled up in the same project: the effort to be a coherent, stable, defensible self. What if the work is not to build a better one but to need less of one?
Most of the suffering people bring into therapy is tangled up in the same project: the effort to be a coherent, stable, defensible self. What if the work is not to build a better one but to need less of one?
Pop neuroscience offers brain-based explanations that sound like insight but actually prevent self-knowledge. A psychodynamic therapist on why “dopamine seeking” tells you nothing about your life — and what real understanding looks like.
Google recommends CBT for almost everything — but what about the people it didn’t work for? A psychodynamic therapist examines why CBT dominates search results, what it does well, where it falls short, and what deeper therapy actually looks like.
Are you a “Withdrawer” in arguments? Learn how this attachment style leads to sexual avoidance (“intimacy anorexia”) and how to break the cycle.
Are you “watching” yourself during sex instead of feeling it? Learn how “spectatoring” causes ED and avoidance, and discover 3 steps to move from performance to presence.
Is your low libido or ED medical or psychological? This comprehensive guide explores “The Body’s Veto”: how shame and the “Performance of Self” cause sexual avoidance in men.
Explore how a lack of personal purpose or meaning can manifest as relationship anxiety, anxious attachment, and a fixation on validation.
Explore why your porn use might not be an “addiction” but a deep moral or values conflict. Learn how shame, not content, is the real issue.
Discover how a belief in a Disney-like, “perfect” romance can be an unconscious defense mechanism to avoid the vulnerability and effort of real intimacy.
Explore how childhood narcissistic injuries are often sublimated into professional success. Learn the hidden costs of this defense mechanism to relationships, intimacy, and true fulfillment.
This blog is where I share the ideas, questions, and clinical insights that shape my work as a therapist. I write about couples and relationships, therapy for men, sexuality, mindfulness and Buddhist psychology, and personality patterns — the same themes I sit with in my office every day.
My goal isn’t to give you a quick fix. It’s to help you think more clearly about what’s actually happening in your inner life and your relationships — the patterns that keep showing up, the feelings you’ve been avoiding, the ways you’ve learned to protect yourself that may no longer be serving you. Whether you’re navigating anxiety in a relationship, working through a tendency to withdraw, or just trying to understand yourself better, I hope something here meets you where you are.
If anything resonates, or if you’re considering therapy, I’d welcome you to reach out for a consultation.