You’ve likely met this person. He’s the man who draws you in with a powerful charm, creating a love story that feels like a movie. In his eyes, you are the perfect match, and his passion feels complete and unified. Then, almost overnight, a switch flips. A perceived flaw, a simple need you express, or a minor disagreement triggers a sudden, chilling distance. The passionate connection vanishes, replaced by criticism or cold withdrawal.
For the man himself, this is deeply confusing. He might say something like, “My feelings just switched off,” genuinely baffled as to why the perfection-driven approach that brings him success everywhere else fails so spectacularly in love.
This pattern runs deeper than a simple fear of intimacy. It’s often the painful, unconscious dance of splitting, and the journey to real intimacy lies in moving toward object constancy.
The Performance of Self: When “Perfect” is the Only Option
At the heart of this pattern is what I call The Performance of Self. For some men, a lifetime of striving to be exceptional is driven by an unresolved childhood need. I explore how this dynamic plays out specifically in the lives of successful professionals in my recent article for TherapyTribe, ‘When Success Sabotages Love.‘
As a survival strategy, many of these men developed an idealized view of their parents to cope with anxiety and their caregivers’ inevitable flaws. It’s psychologically safer for a child to believe “My parents are flawless, so if something is wrong, the fault must be in me,” than to face the reality of an imperfect caregiver. This leads to an unconscious belief that he, too, must be flawless to earn love.
This is where the psychological defense mechanism of splitting is born. In his inner world, people can only exist in two absolute categories:
- “All Good”: Idealized, perfect, and worthy of love.
- “All Bad”: Flawed, disappointing, and worthy of rejection. There is no messy, human middle ground where both virtues and flaws can coexist.
The Relational Tsunami: When Idealization Collapses
When a man operating from this “Performance of Self” falls in love, he doesn’t see a real person; he sees a projection of perfection. He elevates his partner to an “all good” pedestal, allowing his romantic and sexual feelings to flow freely. The connection feels so powerful because it’s rooted in fantasy, not reality.
But reality always intrudes. A partner is human—she’ll have a bad day, express a need, or hold a different opinion. To a man who relies on splitting, this isn’t normal; it’s a fatal defect. The “all good” illusion shatters.
This collapse triggers a wave of overwhelming shame, a core belief that he or his partner is fundamentally flawed. His defenses activate immediately to escape this unbearable feeling:
- Devaluation: The partner is mentally moved to the “all bad” category.
- Withdrawal: He creates emotional and physical distance, embodying the classic relationship loop of the Pursue-Withdraw pattern. He does this to protect himself from the perceived imperfection that makes him feel so ashamed.
- Sexual Avoidance: His body mirrors the emotional split. The desire that was tied to his idealized image vanishes, replaced by avoidance or a cold, disconnected physicality, a common issue for those with mismatched libidos.
He’s left perplexed, believing his feelings simply stopped because his “perfect” partner disappeared. Meanwhile, his partner is left heartbroken by the sudden transformation.
From Prison to Possibility: The Path to Object Constancy
The journey out of this cycle is the development of object constancy. This is the mature ability to maintain your emotional connection to someone even when you are angry, disappointed, or frustrated with them. It’s about holding the truth that a person can be loving and frustrating, wonderful and flawed, all at the same time.
This path is challenging, but it leads to profound freedom:
Tolerate the Gray. Therapy can be a safe space to practice navigating the natural, imperfect aspects of all relationships, helping you to understand how your defensive withdrawal protects you from deeper anxiety and core emotions.
Grieve the Ideal. The first step is to gently dismantle the lifelong, perfect image of parents or past figures. This involves mourning the unattainable relationships you once believed in to make space for reality.
Befriend Shame. Since withdrawal is a flight from shame, practicing self-compassion allows you to meet your own perceived flaws with kindness, reducing the desperate need to escape.
About the Author: Jonah Taylor, LCSW, is a psychotherapist and the founder of The Center for Mind & Relationship. He specializes in helping individuals, particularly men, understand and heal the roots of relational avoidance. Integrating psychodynamic psychotherapy, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), sex therapy, and Buddhist psychology, Jonah guides clients from The Performance of Self to authentic connection.
