“Narcissist” has become the internet’s favorite diagnosis. We use it as a weapon to label our ex-partners, our difficult bosses, and anyone who takes a few too many selfies. The word has become so loaded, so toxic, that it’s lost its meaning—it’s now just a shorthand for “a person I don’t like.”
But what if this is all a profound misunderstanding? What if “narcissism” isn’t a diagnosis to be hurled, but a fundamental, even necessary, part of being human?
As psychotherapist Mark Vahrmeyer recently noted, narcissism is not a diagnosis but a developmental necessity. This simple reframe changes everything. It moves the conversation from one of accusation to one of compassion and curiosity. The real question is not if you are narcissistic, but how you manage it.
The Birth of the Self: Healthy Narcissism
Before we can love anyone else, we must first learn to exist. A baby, in its earliest moments, has no sense of a separate “self.” It learns that it is real, that it matters, through the loving gaze of a caregiver. This is the origin of healthy narcissism. It’s the developmental process of building a stable, resilient sense of “I.”
When these early needs for recognition are met, we develop a healthy self-esteem. We can love others, but we also have a core sense of our own worth.
The Wound: When the Self Needs to Defend
But what happens when those early needs aren’t met? What if the gaze we looked into was distracted, critical, anxious, or absent?
When a child’s emerging self is not seen or validated, that “fragile self” must be protected at all costs. The child, in a brilliant act of psychological survival, builds defenses.
This is the birth of what I call The Performance of Self. The child learns that their real, spontaneous self isn’t safe or “good enough.” They must, instead, perform a version of themselves to stay whole.
This isn’t one single personality type. This defensive “glue” can hold every personality structure together:
- The Grandiose: “I will become so exceptional that I am beyond reproach.”
- The Controller: “I will manage every detail so I am never helpless again.”
- The People-Pleaser: “I will attune to everyone else’s needs so I will never be rejected.”
- The Withdrawer: “I will retreat into isolation to guard my fragile self from a world that feels too harsh to expose it to.”
All of these are “narcissistic” defenses, in that their primary job is to protect and maintain a cohesive sense of self in the face of a perceived threat.
The Core of the Defense: A Longing for Connection
Whether it shows up as grandiosity or as shy, schizoid withdrawal, the underlying engine is the same. As Vahrmeyer puts it, at the center of every narcissistic structure is a “longing to be understood without humiliation or shame.”
This is the key. The performance—whatever it is—is designed to get our deep, human needs for connection met while simultaneously protecting us from the intolerable core shame we believe will destroy us if we are truly seen.
This is why a man with a “perfect” life might suddenly withdraw from a relationship. His partner’s normal, human flaw threatens his performance of perfection, which in turn triggers his core shame, forcing him to retreat.
The Real Work: From Defense to Connection
So, are you a narcissist? Yes. We all are. We all have a psychic structure designed to protect our sense of self.
The real question is, is your narcissistic structure defensive or relational?
- Does it wall you off from others to protect you from potential disappointment and shame?
- Or is your sense of self strong and flexible enough to risk genuine relatedness?
The goal of therapy is not to destroy the ego or “cure” narcissism. The goal is to build a self that is resilient enough to stop performing and start connecting. It’s the work of creating a space safe enough to be understood without humiliation, so you can finally put down the heavy shield of your defenses and risk being real.
Individual therapy is a powerful path to help you understand your own defenses and move from a life of protection to one of connection.
About the Author
Jonah Taylor, LCSW, is a psychotherapist and the founder of The Center for Mind & Relationship in Pittsburgh, PA. He specializes in helping individuals understand and heal deep-seated patterns that prevent genuine relatedness. Integrating psychodynamic psychotherapy, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), and Buddhist psychology, he guides clients in moving beyond their defenses to build more authentic and connected lives.
